i_am_trav

and considering no one reads this crap anymore its a nice way to feel like im putting my emotions out there without actually doing so. Yet again im writing due to a serious loss of a significant other, this time a rekindled relationship that turned south a day shy of 5 months, on a brighter note thats a new travis world record for you right there.

I feel as though my life has gone no where, im out of college, im still at the same job ive had for nearly 7 years. A lady today said "you are too good for this place" and i sat there and went, your right, i am, but what the hell am I to do. Im trying to write and go somewhere with this video game journalist thing im doing on the side, but maybe this is just me being a downer but i dont feel as though i am going to even succeed in life. Thats totally putting up a brick wall but i also feel as though i shouldn't be alive.

Seriously, i really feel that i was supposed to have died years ago and that because i didn't things aren't going to even improve because im not considered alive in the great universe. No one could ever say that "travis made my life better because he was there" cause hell, no one gives two craps about the guy that gives advice behind the counter at gamestop. nobody cares about me, my friends are there but do they honestly care if i die? all i am is a bank, a taxi, an encyclopedia of game and tech information, and a psychologist. Im not travis the person people want to hang out with, im travis the good time but nothing more meaningful than that guy. im travis the boat load of stupid information guy. and honestly i dont see any other way of changing this than moving out of state.

i have considered this before, like moving to alaska to be far as hell away and trying to start fresh, but im just a shmuck making only barely 20 grand a year, where the hell could i move to? i was thinking about oklahoma after my trip there to visit my friend tony and it actually is apparently a cheap place to live. low rent cost, hell the weather isnt bad, and if i die in a tornado no one will give a shit anyway. pardon my french but this is what happens to me when i feel this way.

im constantly writing in this journal about how i want my life to change, about how i want my life to get better, and it will only do so with action, because actions speak louder than words. Yet words for me are action, i want to be able to use my words to express my opinions as well as make a living while doing it. I dont want to be stuck at gamestop forever, i dont want to be depressed 24/7, and i dont want to drag people down with me. i just hope i can fix myself soon, i know im not a robot, but i really do wish that something could happen, something that will make me not feel as crappy as i do about myself as everything always ends up doing so. i just hate me.

just needing to make another post. lifes usual again, nothing stellar, nothing crappy. only a few complaints of how lifes heading, my dad keeps complaining about the fact i dont hang out with girls which is honestly annoying. works alright as well, i guess thats why i want to write right now. nothing is extraordinary or awesome right now, but nothing really bad enough to complain. meh, i want that to change, i have dreams that i want to fulfill. hopefully this will happen sometime soon, hell i might even be able to find a girl who will like me for who i am sometime soon, but only time will tell.

so last night i had a dream, it was of her, and its buggin me. it wasnt even like it was long, or intense. all i remembered is that we met, said our hellos, kissed, and hugged and cuddled, that was all. it was so harmless a dream, but it took me back and did some damage. Its been almost 2 weeks now, and i feel like it has been forever. im hurtin on a level thats consistant. it was first a searing pain when it first took place, then i ignored it because i was hoping it would just get better, but now i feel like im infected and it will never heal. i want to tell you i miss you, that i want to be able to see you and hang out with you and that things would be back to the way they were. i was happy before, and i wish it could be that way again.

i cant help but feel lost, i dont have direction, and i dont have purpose to my life right now. i just want to find a reason to wake up every day, i want to feel wanted for soemthing besides my game knowledge. i want someone to want me for my personality, because im a cool dude, and it sucks knowing that your not appreciated for who you are as a person. i guess im just slipping back into that depression i got out of. well, all i can say is ive got to do something, anything at this rate...

im not quite sure what to put here right now, im in a mixed state of moods and its also 1 am and ive got work at 10, im more so writing this for my own sake because honestly, who the hell reads this thing anymore. point proven. but lately its been hard doing things on my own, ive always been there for others but it feels like ive got no one to turn to myself. im always the one to be there for others when soemthing bad occurs, and i always will be, i feel like its my duty to be that guy for everyone. but i dont know if i can handle the burden of that job anymore, because ive got my own issues that are starting to catch up with me. i feel its selfish to be saying that people should help me out, but the world is based off of balance just like the weather, and right now my scales are a bit off, im not sure where my future will take me, im not even sure if i have a future. i could die tomorrow and there are things that i want to tell people that they would never get the chance to hear. i care and love so many people and it pains me that i haven't gotten the courage to tell some of them. its been paining me for years now that i haven't been able to let out this emotion entirely, or at least have it be understood as i want it to be. its like things with my dad, nothing is ever truly good enough. i feel like nothing goes right no matter how hard i try, and yet i keep trying anyway, i haven't given up on myself, and i feel like i never will, which is empowering, but also sadenning in the same way. i will never give up hope that things will eventually become better for me, but also it pains me to think that if i do keep trying and failing then my life will just be a giant loop of efforts and failures. they say each failure is purely the gaining of knowledge of what not to do the next time around, and at this rate it seems i will be a master of all things not to do. maybe one day ill be fortunate enough to be able to share these experiences with someone special or the entire world. i truly feel like i have a purpose to living besides my own benefit of being able to enjoy video games. im fortunate enough to have friends, whether i can tell they care or not, i know they are there, but sometimes it would be nice to have some reassurance.
i watch to much tv i guess, im just waiting for that star studded ending when things actually end up going in favor of the pure hearted guy who feels like things should go his way because he deserves it and hes earned it. and he wants to let out his emotions on how he feels, but timing and other variables hold him back from letting loose. i want to describe things as poetically as i was about to, but when the time comes, they will be set free from their reigns to be taken as they will, for good or bad, maybe things will turn out alright... maybe

its things like WWII in hd that make me love history, yes its depressing, yes its discouraging, but history isn't about just what the event was and the major players. Its also about the emotions behind the events, what caused them, what factors lead to the events. Im positive i want to specialize in avation history now, to remember my fallen great uncle Vincent Linguanti and his b2 flying fortress that was shot down over germany sept. 11, 1944. though just a radio operator, he died serving his country like i will die trying to show the world the importance of what the airplane allowed us to do.

so im writing in this thing cause i know no one uses this anymore, that and i feel like i could open up to the world and not have a soul listen to me. Its funny, cause im looking at my profile picture and going, wow, i remember that guy, that young depressed nerd, who couldn't pull himself together, and now im looking my reflection in the mirror going, your almost there, you can pull it together and be normal or something. well iguess ive kind of realized something. I'm not normal by any standard but my own, to others im in the middle between fuckin wierd, and somewhat normal. some may say that could be good cause its the best of both worlds, but it isn't. For those who life is spread out even amongst everything, everything sucks yet isn't that bad, and there in lies the problem. its never good. ever. all i can do is just miss the mark every time. my plateau is just under the needs to be this tall to ride this ride mark. so far i haven't been feeling like im worth a damn, i feel like none of my friends want to talk to me unless its video game related, no girl wants to come in contact with me even with a 10 ft pole encased in plastic. i honesty feel like im a tool, someone who is just used and then thrown to the curb when they are done, yet people will say no, we care about you, u matter to us. and i know the truth, you just dont wanna see another teen burried cause ure afraid im gonna kill myself or something stupid like that, fuck off if u think im that dumb. ive been living for 21 fuckin years with the same stupid shit from every angle, im not gonna give up cause nothings changed, it just means that i just haven't reached the end of the shit tunnel, and by golly im gonna make it to the end, cause the reward and the end is gonna be worth it. so fuck you if u say im not worth it, fuck you if you pretend to be a good friend, fuck you shitty customer at my store that thinks im a nobody retail worker, fuck everyone, cause at this rate, i have no one, im here on my own, this path is mine alone to walk now, cause no one will be there to guide me, pick me up when i fall. all i have is memories and dreams of hope to pick me up when i get knocked down, and thats all there ever will be

Its not rough, but i want to say it is. Im supposed to be writing a paper right now, but i just cannot stop thinking about this "problem" i guess you could call it. There is just something i have put so much effort into, and so much time, like im talking years of building this up, waiting, second guessing. Now i just want to go for it. Problem being, is that im still having second thoughts, of whether or not it is going to be well received on both ends. I guess im just aggrivated and depressed about it. i really just needed to get this out on paper cause i just cannot hold it in anymore and i totally forgot i had one of these things. i just wish my life right now equated to more than just being alone and sitting at home on a friday night playing games till 3 am just to unlock something. it was great bonding with my bud online, but like, i would have rather gone out and said hi to someone, even if it was just a hi, i would have rather just spent to extra 5 minutes to say just that one 2 letter word than to have just backed out because i was feeling shitty and didn't know how the person would respond to me showing up. well, whatever, my rant is over and im feeling a little better. Really i think im just going make a move the next time instead of holding back like always, see how that works out, cause honestly what is the worst that could happen, really not much, and come to think of it, i probably should have done it a long ass time ago, could have saved my heart a bit of ache and agony.

its been a long while since ive updated.... so heres a summary.
College is going well, i only have 4 friends at brookdale..... im workin on it!
work is the same... really crappy, but pay goes up to 7.15 an hour!!!! yay minimum wake increase......
social life.... it doesn't exist, if i have any time, its like an hour before bed to play videogames.... so i suck....
if anything is new and worth telling, thats about all.... ive got nothing....
hopefully, i can build up my physique to look better, cause all i am is skin and bones, so im going to start lifting weights, for real this time, casue ive said i would before, and then just,..... got.... lazy.... bbut not this time, i have a valid reason to do it, and a meaningful one too...
besides everything else, lonliness has taken a toll on me... but thats about all that is worth mentioning, PEACE!!!!!!

the trav..... kid... dude

things are strange right now, im not feeling good physically, and emotionally, im just drained. Every friend i just spent the past four years trying to get to know better, has just left, cept for christine, eric, and tony, but tony is going this friday. i now have only 2 friends to keep me sane, while having like 12 was barely doing it. i just wish i could have them back, without interupting their lives. next year tho i hope to go to NJIT to persue graphic design and such for a career. things are done with kristen, they just ended. it really wasn't there to begin with, but i needed to know for sure if that was really the case. im looking foreward to nothing this year except some more freedom. i wish that some people at brookdale will be nice, if not, i dont know what ill do. well folks, its like 12 am, and ive got hang out with tony later today, so im off to bed, to hopefully clear my mind, and wake up to a new reality.


Trav